If My Pen Runs Out

Monday July 29^th, 2013

If my pen runs out

I will get a pencil

If you take my pencil away

I’ll get a crayon

No crayon?

I will take chalk and write along the sidewalk panels

As you walk down the path to work

Or nowhere in particular

No chalk?

I will take a stone and etch my wonderings and stories into a cave wall

Like the cavemen

I’d find berries and leaves to crush and paint color

Take away that and I’ll prick my finger and use drops of my blood

To paint the pictures of my mind for all to see

To read

Take away everything?

No brush

No canvas to work with

You can never silence my mouth

I would speak my stories and my thoughts for all to hear

I’d tell my children

My family

They would tell their friends

And my ideas and stories would spread from one village to another

‘Til it reached the end of the world

Because nothing will stop me from writing

From speaking truth

From telling stories

You can strip everything from me but you can never stop me from

Dreaming

Sharing

Lion Hunter

Lion Hunter

I am the lion hunter

Hunting for the thrill

Not the kill

Shrinking in and out of darkness

And spotlight

In the rough brushing grass

The lion slowly approaches

In the darkness

He is hiding

He comes up beside me

And freezes

Staring into his eyes

I see

He is the king

I know

I understand

He has won

I watch as he leaves

I stand there breathless

With my lowered spear

Surrounded by darkness

I am free

Night Game Ride

Night Game Ride

The sun burns holes into my skin as I stare as its circular orange

Burning

Penetrating

Enveloping

My eyes

Until I can no longer see

I try to take a picture

But nothing is enough to capture

This beauty

This is it

Being here is

The only thing to witness

3 out of big 5! OH MY!

Saturday July 27^th, 2013

We went on Safari today during the day. We saw an elephant herd and elephant babies! We saw a leopard eating something it had just killed. We also saw a hyena, giraffes, zebras, impalas and warthogs!

We also went on a night game ride a.k.a a safari at nighttime and it was magical! I literally felt like I was in another world or universe. We saw almost all the same animals we saw during the day one except tonight we saw LIONS! So we’ve seen 3 out of the big five here in South Africa which are elephants, leopards, lions, water buffalos and rhinos. We were in an open top jeep car driving as the sun was setting. It was glorious and indescribable. And the stars…I’m not used to seeing stars living in Los Angeles.  We were literally trekking around in the middle of “bush” as they say with only our headlights and the flashlight being used by our guide Patrick to find the animals. I felt like we were secret explorers or hunters. The wind was blowing in my face so fiercely as we drove along that the force of it was tearing tears from my eyes.

In the darkness we searched for lions. I could see nothing but the little bit of light we were using. One of the males walked up right beside my door. It was so cool and so terrifying. It stared directly into my eyes as it marked its territory and started their hunt with the rest of their pack.

So amazing. I’m so grateful.

Mexican Food South of The Equator

Friday July 26^th, 2013

I literally just walked home with a posse of singing, yelling children all following me like I was their leader or some weird foreign creature.

My mom seems a little overwhelmed these days with this new business. I hope she doesn’t give up on her biscuit business because it’s her trademark and selfishly I miss those biscuits! She was trying to explain to me this morning in her limited English and I was trying confirm in my limited Xitsonga how to make this type of beans. I’m making my family a traditional, well as traditional as I can make it being in South Africa, Mexican dinner tonight. I’m a true Southern California girl and I miss it terribly. Hellen, our Country Associate, hooked me up and picked up some key ingredients that I would not be able to find nearby like tortillas, cheese, bell peppers, etc.

THEY LOVED THE DINNER! So did I! It was delicious! I made quesadillas, beans, rice, salsa, guacamole and provided other ingredients to make burritos and for dipping and scooping the salsa and guac. They literally devoured it. My dad barely spoke he just keep shoving his face. He also got us a big bottle of cold drink aka Coke. It was the cherry on top of the perfect meal. I said a prayer before we ate and they applauded afterwards – haha! I had to explain what salsa was and explain how to assemble burritos.

Moline helped me to make the beans and rice. She started telling me how much she was gonna miss me and I said, “Well you’ll just have to become a famous magistrate and come visit me in California. Then she said as she looked up to the heavens, “Oh please God let me not forget about Carly where our paths may cross again.” It was so genuine and sweet. I see her growing belly and know the reality of what will probably happen but I still have hope.

Mat Weaving

Thursday July 25^th, 2013

My knee hurts. I think I’ve tweaked it from too much exercising or just running on this uneven terrain.

I’m gonna take it easy but I’m so antsy to be active. I hope it feels better soon.

While I wove my mat this evening Maja kept shoving his head directly in my way wanting me to pet him. Performance and Priscilla (my cousins) came home from school and ate papaya on the steps of my grandmother’s house as they watched me weave. They handed me a whole papaya and said it was for me. Later I taught them how the play Egyptian Rat Screw. They would get too nervous and trigger happy and just keep slapping the table even when it didn’t make sense to the game. My grandma was passionately conversing on the phone when I was leaving when she hollered something at me which I took to mean to come and talk to who was on the phone with her. I took the phone and said “Hello? Hello?” but I heard no answer. I looked at the phone afraid I had accidentally hung up but alas I had not. The phone was dead, it had not been on at all. I looked at it confusingly before I handed the phone back to her where she proceeded to continue to talk to someone who was not there. It made me laugh and stare at her lovingly. It made me think of my own grandmother towards the end of her life. I see no harm in her talking no one. It just made me wonder if she was lonely or delirious or if she knew it was just for jest but I guess, does it really matter? As long as it’s real to her and she is happy, what does it matter if she mutters to a person who isn’t there? 

Roadside Stand

Wednesday July 24^th, 2013

I did a long walk to the side of the road today to see how my mom, her design team and my scholars were doing with their roadside stand idea. When I got there they hadn’t started cooking yet and there were no customers. I was a little worried that they might have none. I prayed as I walked home that they’d have a few at least.

When my mom came home in the evening she was beaming with excitement and pride. They sold out of their food and there was still a line of people waiting. My mom kept thanking me and I just kept telling her that it was her team’s idea and they made it happen. We just helped bring them together and provided a space to voice their ideas. I’m excited because this is a tangible result and outcome of how our presence here has transformed something in this community. I’m so excited to see what comes of this project and everyone else’s.

I started my mat today at my grandma’s house next door. I think she was very surprised of how long it was taking me to make progress. She started helping me wrap reeds. The mats are usually made from reeds found in the fields and little kids snack trash wrappers. Once woven together it creates a beautiful spectrum of color.

My body feels heavy

As fire burns across the village

Crick crick snip snap

Goes the bushes

As I have no idea what lurks beyond

The child will not stop crying

I ask but he will not say what is wrong

Gottenburg

Tuesday July 23^rd, 2013

The wind is blowing strong today

I feel the play structure shift slightly beneath my body

As I walk I peel pieces of my orange peel and toss it aside

One would think I was littering or leaving a trail of bread crumbs so I can find my way home

But alas there is no other option

Home

As I take each step I wonder about what I’ll miss here

I pass by a mother with a wheelbarrow of water jugs and her child beside them

He waves at me as he keeps being pushed along

I pass by children carrying wheelbarrows with water jugs

I think of how heavy they are

Then think of spoiled American children

Even my self

The times I just assumed that my mom would do it

I want my children to be like these children

Helping out

Playing roles

Doing things together as a family unit

A team

The same old man waves at me

His delayed wave

As juice drips onto my feet

My hair is long

My eyebrows are grown in

Happy Birthday rings from afar as the locals sing happy birthday to one of my students

The breeze is beautiful 

Perfect

I never want it to end

Killing Chickens

Tuesday July 23^rd, 2013

Sometimes when I am walking around the community I get really present to it. The sounds. The people. I’m gonna miss seeing so many familiar nameless faces all around greeting me as I pass.

My mama bought 4 live chickens today to kill and prepare for roadside stand business that is emerging out of her being in a design team.Performance and Abel (my cousins) just casually strolled in holding the chickens by their wings, them just hanging there.

I watched as they were killed, plucked, glutted and cut up. My mama wanted me to cut up some of the raw meat but I couldn’t. I found myself with my arms wrapped tightly around my body as if I was afraid and trying to protect my own live beating heart from breaking or getting killed.

While I was sitting on the play structure today, one of my favorite retreat spots in the village, these ladies that were taking afternoon adult classes crawled up the structure and were asking me for “help” with their English homework. Before long I realized they were trying to get me to do it for them. I told me sorry but to keep trying and I believed in them. They acted annoyed. Ha!

Children are so trusting here. They are given such independence at such a young age. It’s nice not to see them so sheltered. It will be weird to get used to children not greeting me, high waving me and following me wherever I go. 

Grandmother’s Schooling

Monday July 22^nd, 2013

I saw my grandmother who lives next door leaving Manyelti Primary School today. I asked her if she was going to school. She excitedly said, “Yeah!” and whipped around to show me her backpack! So adorable! Apparently they have adult afternoon classes where you can go to brush up on certain subjects. Particularly for those who may have dropped out of school when they were younger. It’s so inspiring to me that even as her age she is still looking to better herself and keep learning.

All of my scholars and some from the other community came to my mom’s sister in law, Treasure, to get measured today for their outfits. Everyone had bought fabric and wanted certain things made. I talked her up and soon had a whole list of people who wanted something made. She was so sweet and grateful for me bringing her so much business that she took me aside in the kitchen and said, “You do such a good thing for me. I must make you something else as a gift.”

My mom is on two of my scholars design team. She has started saying, “I have school today at ‘such and such time.’ “ HA!

Grandmother’s Schooling

Monday July 22^nd, 2013

I saw my grandmother who lives next door leaving Manyelti Primary School today. I asked her if she was going to school. She excitedly said, “Yeah!” and whipped around to show me her backpack! So adorable! Apparently they have adult afternoon classes where you can go to brush up on certain subjects. Particularly for those who may have dropped out of school when they were younger. It’s so inspiring to me that even as her age she is still looking to better herself and keep learning.

All of my scholars and some from the other community came to my mom’s sister in law, Treasure, to get measured today for their outfits. Everyone had bought fabric and wanted certain things made. I talked her up and soon had a whole list of people who wanted something made. She was so sweet and grateful for me bringing her so much business that she took me aside in the kitchen and said, “You do such a good thing for me. I must make you something else as a gift.”

My mom is on two of my scholars design team. She has started saying, “I have school today at ‘such and such time.’ “ HA!

Dance Parties

Saturday July 20^th,2013

I’ve started having dance parties by myself in my room after morning workout. It’s been awesome! 

Storyboards

Friday July 19^th, 2013

My scholars shared their storyboards today representing an experience with various entry points that they came up with in their design teams. Through this storyboard they are going to select one idea and innovate around it.

It’s so exciting to see everyone’s ideas coming to life!

Eating Worms

Thursday July 18^th, 2013

In the evening…

Tonight I ate, well nibbled on a cooked dry Mopane worm. It kind of tasted like a crusty dry nut. I almost psyched myself out and started gagging before I even tried it ‘cause so much of eating something that is foreign to you is mind over matter.

There was this man sitting eating at the table when I walked out of my room to have dinner tonight. His name is Andrew, I had met him earlier. When I asked Sisanda how he was related to the family she whispered to me loudly, “I’ll tell you later!” Then I asked her if she had heard of the English word discreet. Of course she had not. When I explained it to her she couldn’t stop laughing.

I Am Not My Hair

My hair has gotten so long. It’s almost an inch. It’s weird to think a little under a couple of months ago I was completely bald. Shaving my head was seriously one of the most empowering things that I’ve ever done.

I felt more beautiful than I had ever felt before. Vulnerable and exposed I felt like I couldn’t hide behind anything or pretend. I felt more self-expressed. Like my true self.

People responded to differently to me. Some just stared assuming I was either sick or that it was a sign of my sexual orientation. I felt like the energy I was giving off being bald was so raw and radiant. 

Almost as if I cutting off my hair took my guard down and extended a greeting to people to say ‘You are welcome to talk to me.’ Intrigued by the wondering of the story behind my nonexistent hair.

People kept asking me why I did it. And yeah I had reasons that encouraged me, ‘I will be easier to take care of while away since you’ll be bucket bathing,’ ‘It’s gonna be really hot there (even though I soon found out that it would be winter here.’ And part of me wanted to prove as the wonderful Indie Arie states so perfectly in her song that, “I Am Not My Hair.”

I feel like women, especially in America, attach so much meaning and worth to their hair. It’s all over the media, devices and advertisements telling you to cut it this way, straighten it, curl it, gel it, braid it, blah blah blah.. Like having long hair or what people consider “beautiful styled properly colored hair” is equated with how feminine and beautiful you are.

But to tell you the truth the main, main reason is because I wanted to. I honestly got to a point where I was wondering, “Who the hell am I waiting for to give me permission to do this?” The opportunity presented itself so I did it. It’s been wonderful. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. The plan is to let it grow out a little more and then make it into a mini Mohawk. We’ll see if I lose patience before then and shave it all off again….

This poem was written right after I shaved my head…

My Radiating Skull

I keep getting this warming

Burning

Glowing sensation in my head

As if by cutting off the hair I released a pocket of untapped into reserved energy

Where my thoughts are closer to the surface

Burning to emerge

So close I can feel them

Radiating

Reminding

Cooking and boiling

Underneath my scalp

Each nerve or pore or prickle of my head

Is awakened

As the wind zooms past

The wind in my hair is an expression I understand no longer

The wind on my skin is another story

Biting

Pricking

Piercing

Stroking

Feeling hot and cold flashes on my skull

Actually feeling sensations

Atop my head that was once num with hair

I don’t care

I feel more beautiful that I’ve ever felt in my whole life

Empowered

Futuristic

Fresh

Free

Reborn

I keep rubbing my head as if it’s a crystal ball or a genie lamp

That will grant me wishes or show me the future

Give me answers to my unanswered questions

But all that it reveals is

That this is

Perfect

I am perfect

Whole and complete

Enough

At peace

Something I always wanted to do

But I was waiting for someone to grant me permission

Once you realize the choice is yours

And yours alone

You can do anything

Nelson Mandela’s 95th Birthday

Thursday July 18^th

It’s Nelson Mandela’s 95^th Birthday today. My scholars made a “Happy Birthday” sign for him and we took pictures with it and some of the bakery staff outside of the bakery. We are sending them to ThinkImpact and they are going to send them to Nelson. It’s pretty amazing that we are in South Africa celebrating the birthday that might be his last.

It’s raining here today and it has brought the whole village to a halt of zero productivity. Barely anyone is on the roads. No one seems to be doing anything. It’s funny the same sort of thing happens in LA when it rains. Even though people have very different circumstances and many more luxuries to aid them in dealing with rain than the people do here.

The bakers let us into a room in their bakery because we were loitering outside in the cold having our meeting on their porch. It was so nice of them. I bought a bag of biscuits for my scholars. It was the least I could do. They were good but not even close to as good as my mama’s. 

I Dream Of Africa

Wednesday July 17^th, 2013

Going back home seems like this vague off in the distance light at the end of the tunnel sort of metaphor. It’s weird how “normal” this routine I’ve developed feels to me now. How much I feel like this is my life and my life back in LA isn’t real or never was or vice versus. Today during our one on one’s a scholar said, “I dream of Africa.” This has become her reality now. She dreams of this community and the people in it and I same thing has happened to me. I’ve never traveled and stayed in a single place this long before.

I still really can’t believe that I am here. That I am a part of something like this.

Some people go their whole lives without traveling anywhere. Never getting the opportunity or choosing to step out of their comfort zones. I am so grateful. It feels so surreal.

Part Of The Family

Maja our family dog loves me. He follows me almost everywhere. It’s probably because sometimes I secretly feed him scraps and ‘cause I’m the only one that shows him love and pets him. Sometimes he’ll run up to me and I’ll see he wants to play and he’ll bring his paws up onto my legs but I have nothing to play with him with. I threw a stick but he did not get it.

My mother told me she hired a photographer in the village to come to take a family portrait of us this Sunday before church.

She told me she wants me to be in it. She wants to be able to show a picture of me to her family in Eastern Cape. She told me, “Carly….I’ve never met anyone like you before.”

She’s discovered the wonder of my IPOD. I’ve played her some religious songs I thought she’d like and wrote down the words for her so she can follow along as she sings. She loves it so much. I’ll hear her doing chores around the house humming and singing “I’ll Fly Away” or “Down To The River to Pray” from O Brother Where Art Thou or James Taylor “You Can Close Your Eyes.” I recently introduced her to “God Is Tryin’ To Tell You Something” from The Color Purple. She can’t get enough of it. It’s SO adorable! It makes me so happy to see her so enlivened!

How Are You? I’m Fine!

Many children in the community seem to have memorized the English phrase, “How are you?” Only to respond immediately afterwards with, “I’m fine.” It’s hilarious. It is shouted at me probably at least 10-15 times a day. How it confuses them when I respond back to them in their native language.

An Ice Cream Truck

They had this type of flea market one day where an ice cream truck was driving around the community. Never in my life did I ever think I’d get ice cream from an ice cream truck driving around in a rural South African community. I asked him what the flavor was in this red bottle of syrup next to the machine that distributes the ice cream, he said, “Red.” HA! So I got “red” flavored sauce on my vanilla ice cream.

Holding Chickens

Community members casually hold chickens by their wings, nonchalantly swinging them around as they talk to others. The chicken doesn’t make a sound but just swings side to side with an expression on their face as if to say, “This blows.”

Rand

Monday, July 15^th, 2013

Rand

As I fold and un-wrinkle this golden green paper

I think of its value

How many have died for it

Cry for it

Some lie for it

Away from my home

It does not hold the same meaning

These foreign symbols and signs

Represent different amounts

Though I know what they are worth

It’s not the same

To me right now

At this moment

They are only paper

Pieces of colored paper

And circular pieces of metal

Its means nothing

Though to some it is worth everything

Wheeling Water

After my run I ran into my mama walking home from church. Performance, a girl who is frequently in our house, I know she’s related to us in some way, was pushing water jugs in a wheelbarrow to our house. My mother suggested I try. It was so hard and awkward! I managed to do it but man, it makes you think! If we had to wheelbarrow jugs of water to our houses all the time we wouldn't waste as much as we do.

Mind Shift

Sunday July 14^th, 2013

When I got back from the excursion I went for a run. Being cooped up in a van with a bunch of whiny privileged college students was enough to make me want to scream. My legs needed to get moving.

Let me be fair not all of the scholars are like that. But some of them are.

Some of them are so privileged they aren’t even aware of how everything that comes out of their mouth is a complaint drenched with a sense of entitlement. It took all of my willpower not to scream, “Stop whining!” I honestly don’t even acknowledge it anymore.

What did they think rural Africa would be like? And this ain’t nothing. There are several other countries with ThinkImpact programs going on right now where the scholars are in much more rural areas.

Where’s the sense of humor? The realizing that the hiccups are the best part of traveling.

I’m sick of whining. I worked at a daycare for a year and half where I mainly watched 2–years- old. That’s a little more justified than 19 and 20- year- olds. If you have a concern you can voice it to me like an adult. But I will not respond to whining.

It’s funny, my fellow advisor April put it so perfectly, she said, “Confronting their own expectations they had for themselves is hard because they all thought it would be the community experiencing the mind shift when really, it’s them.” I couldn’t have said it better myself. I would said that it’s both. We are mutually learning from each other.

It’s getting to the point in the process where a lot of them are feeling lost and defeated and just want to blame everything on something. If my scholars take anything from this experience I hope it’s that mind shift. In how they view everything. How they expect the world to be and work out perfectly for them. How they expect that there will always be some advisor or teacher there that has all the right answers. But life isn’t like that. This process is definitely not like that. It’s not a formula. It’s trial and error. There are random setbacks and failures and successes just like there are in life. When the wind blows you just gotta bend with it. If not you’ll break. And if you’re fine with laying there and being broken and defeated, then go for it. But I can guarantee that won’t take you very far.

Crocodiles, Snakes and Waterfalls

Saturday July 13^th, 2013

Today we went on overnight excursion to the Swadini Resort and on a boat ride in the Blyde River Canyon. We saw this waterfall called “The crying face.” We also saw some snakes and a crocodile.

It’s weird, I keep trying to analyze how I’m feeling here. I haven’t been feeling an overwhelming of any emotion. I just am. I’m just being.

I ate WAY too much at dinner. I’m not used to overeating anymore. Nor do I wanna get used to it. I don’t think my body knows what to do with this food it isn’t used to eating.

Here’s a poem that I arose around me being too full:

Never Full

I’d rather be a little hungry than too full on life

Because if I’m too full then I’m done

Finished

No more cravings or yearnings

No more room for growth

No more pushing or trying

Hoping or buying into my dreams

That have yet to come true

I want to live my life never fully satisfied

Never complacent with the status quo

Content with the ordinary

But constantly burning

Slightly aching for more

What’s next?

Is this it?

It can’t be

So the desire continues…

Lights Out

Thursday July 11^th, 2013

Our electricity has been out all day. It was kind of nice in away. It didn’t even phase me when the lights wouldn’t turn on this morning. I hope I can bring that go with the flow attitude home with me and allow myself to be unmessable. I ran today in the afternoon. As the sun was setting I was running towards it. It was breathtaking. Everything was quiet. I can feel myself getting stronger and my endurance growing. People in the village looking at me like I’m nuts when they see my running around It’s funny to me how people I don’t even know me ‘honk’ and wave at me like they know me when they drive by. Do they do that to everyone on the side of the road?

Time and days feel slow but it’s nice. It’s nice that I don’t feel the need, this pressure and obligation that I should be “doing something” and having this feeling of anxiousness if I’m not. This feeling that I need to be somewhere. This feeling that I just can’t sit still. Like I’m constantly waiting for something. A call. A text. Instead of just living and enjoying the moment. I want to bring this habit back to the US.

Feeling like I have time to do nothing is comforting. I feel like the moment I have a spare minute in LA I feel the obligation to fill it with something. Here I have so much that I could do and if I don’t do them I don’t feel guilty like I’m lazy and not doing things. I think life needs to have a balance like this. Or maybe I need to live in a place more laid back than where I live. I don’t want to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of it all. I just want to be. I want to live my life not based off other expectations and standards.

What I really don’t miss is the media. My family knows that I dislike having the TV on while we eat so they always turn it off when we’re eating now.

I’m really gonna miss my homestay family when I live. They are so amazing and I’ve gotten so close to them. I feel like I truly have a home away from home if I ever come back to this place.

I Bless The Rains Down In Africa

Wednesday July 10^th, 2013

As I stepped onto the street where I live. The first thing I notice is the tree on the corner

The one across from the shop with its root strong and exposed protruding from the ground.

As I made it farther down the street Sema came running to greet me. I stretched out my hand to meet his. He took it and we began to walk hand and hand home. The further we walked, the drizzle started. It was overcast and windy all day threatening to rain. The drizzle turned to harder droplets of rain until harder and harder it poured. We squealed and begin to run! We ran to the house with Maja by our side almost knocking us over. We finally reached the porch and stood side by side just watching the rain. Smelling and feeling the cold. Seeing the drain pour the excess water it was catching. I pulled Sema towards me. He put his arm around me & I just held him. I smelt the rain on my clothes. There’s something magical about the rain. It doesn’t happen often but when it does. It’s like a gem.

I had a lovely conversation with my homestay father tonight about love. He’s such a smart man and sometimes he’ll just come out with something that really hits me. “Love needs to be taught,” he says. Indeed it does.

Power,Power,Power

I feel myself getting stronger. I’ve lost 7lbs since I’ve been here. I’m running every day and eating vegetarian. I feel great. Who’d of thought being the huge meat lover that I’ve always been would ever go vegetarian?

Some of my scholars and I have been lifting weights in my room after our group morning workout together. You can tell my room used to be the gym of some sort because they are old school weights and a few 80’s workout hand and arm clincher devices and a scale.

Sometimes Shannon will come to visit me when we are working out and when I open the door in an Arnold voice while lifting his arms imitating weightlifting he’ll say , “Power! Power! Power!”

Nightly Mouse Visit

Tuesday July 9^th,2013

Gus Gus scampered across my foot tonight when I was retrieving my night pee bucket from the bathroom. I let out a squeal. At least there wasn’t any pee in the bucket.

Tough Love

We had our final discussion with my group of scholars today forcing them to break up some of their scholar teams. Some of them paired up in a way that I felt, along with my other colleagues that there was more opportunity for growth if they paired another way. They scholars weren’t happy about it. I empathized with how they were feeling. I heard where each one of them were coming from. I’ve been approaching this whole process from a very collaborative standpoint. I do want them to be happy but I do want them to grow as well. My presence does matter. This is my job, to advise and guide these students to the best of my abilities. This is not a vacation, though some parts might feel like it.

I want to push them and not back down when I know that it’s important. That is what some of my best mentors did to me growing up and I hope they will continue to do so because I’m better because of it.

Yeah in the moment I may have felt hurt and angry, like life just wasn’t fair but damn am I glad that stood their ground for me, even it meant at the expense of me liking them temporarily.

That’s something I’ve had to find a balance of here. I want my students to have fun and I want the best for them. I can have fun with them but not at the expense of their growth. Not at the expense that they like me but aren’t being challenged in the program.  

My mom told me on the way to church yesterday that Moline, my 16 year old host sister, is pregnant. It made me so sad. She’s barely grown, babies having babies. It’s not something that is just a South Africa issue obviously. It happens in the U.S. all the time. I feel like she just falling into the life cycle of the fate of every other women in this village. She was talking to me about wanting to be a judge. She has dreams. She’s smart. She was getting embarrassed and giggly when April (a fellow advisor) and I, were asking about the sex education she gets in school. But it’s not funny. That’s the problem. A baby is on the way. And babies’ don’t disappear when you want them to.

Empty Page

Monday July 8^th, 2013

Empty Page

There’s this empty page,

Space

Between two written pages of my heart

Filled to the brim with words overflowing onto the next page

And the next

Until suddenly,

Nothing.

I cannot stand this judgment of its blank stares

So I quickly make my pen start moving

How did you stay blank after all these years?

Without ever filling up?

On words?

Food?

Anything, something to feed you,

To enliven your blankness

To inspire a makeover of your rather plain exterior

When In South Africa….

Sunday July 7^th, 2013

At church today I felt more comfortable so I danced more. They straight up called me out praising me in front of the whole congregation. “This sister can dance,” exclaimed Treasure as she motioned to me in the front row. “Let’s give her a round of applause.” Awkward hand wave to acknowledge their applause, ‘Yes, yes I am a white girl and I do have rhythm.’

My mother discreetly passes me Rand when it’s time to tithe like I’m her own daughter. It makes me think of when Grandmother would do the same thing to me growing up with dollar bills.

I was also ‘blessed’ today in church. The pastor put his hand in some oils and grabbed my head with his fingertips. It was interesting and a little frightening. I only did it because my mom really wanted me too and I doing it didn’t go against what I believed in some blasphemous way. And you know what they say, “When in South Africa…” Some people would flail onto the ground after he touched them so I was little hesitant cause it looked like he was hurting people with how forcefully he was putting his hand on their faces/heads.

So I was “blessed.” My scholars said that I approached the pastor flinching, eyes closed, slightly backing up preparing for the worse. My mother could see the fear in my eyes and assured me that I would be fine and that she was right behind me.

Everywhere I walked today in the community I was known as the girl who was dancing in church. People pointed and danced to convey to me I was the one they saw earlier. It’s beautiful how dancing is something that transcends language and instantly connects you to other human beings.

The Settling

The Settling

They came in with their governments, their guns and their greed

They stripped us of our power

Raping our lands

Pillaging our people

They brought their rules and their boundaries

Their status and their roles

They told us ‘You are called this’

‘You are called that’

‘Your way is wrong!’

‘Our way is right!’

‘Let us show you the way’

They said

‘We’ll show you what it means to be civilized’

They burned our beliefs and placed a book in our hands

‘This is God’ they said

‘Praise him, Love him’

Soon we started listening

We started believing

We started forgetting who we were before they had come to our lands

Soon barely anyone remembered that past and who we once were

We followed orders

We copied how they acted, what they said, how they dressed

But soon we began to question why we had no say in our lands

In our people

Our questions grew to voices

And those voices grew louder and louder

The noise grew to fighting

To rising

Before they retreated

Surrendered

Gave up

We were a lost cause

Even we knew that

We looked at our lands left in turmoil

Our people confused and mismatched with remnants of our past and bits of the present that had been forced upon us

Who are we?

What do we do now?

My Dream Of Africa

My Dream Of Africa

I dreamt of deep sunsets and bold sunrises

I found them

I heard that they all lived in huts

Wore loin cloths

Danced around fires and chanted while banging drums

Yes, there are fires

Sometimes there are drums

But there are also microwaves

Electricity

And bad soap operas

Africa is not a lump of generality

It is specific and real

Unique to each country

Each village

Each family

Each African

Is it so hard to imagine an Africa of complexity?

This is the Africa I’ve come to know through visiting the North, South and West

And yet I still do not have a grasp of what this vast continent holds

Colonialism

Friday July 5th

We had an amazing discussion this evening surrounding articles that argued that “Colonialism is the reason for corrupt governments in Africa.” The discussion was led by one of my scholars who is an African – American studies, English double major. The articles gave a brief background of the history of Colonialism before going into examples supporting the argument.

I was blown away by some the history that I was completely ignorant of. Things that I thought were inherent to the continent but really were a ripple effect of actions and structures put into place by colonialism.

We talked a lot about images. How people everywhere sees Africa as this vast place lumped into a general concept. Africa as one big country and space, not a continent. Africa the 3^rd world. Africa, dangerous, rural and savage. Where everyone lives in huts, banging drums with exotic animals roaming around in their backyard. Where everyone is starving and malnourished and a victim and needs aid and outsiders to help and teach them how to live. An undeveloped place filled with violent savagery, corruption and AIDS. Anyone reading this that denies that one of these stereotypes or more does not come to mind when they think or hear the word ‘Africa’ is kidding themselves. This is how the image of Africa is perpetuated in the media throughout the world. Africa is treated like a pathetic, helpless victim.

Africa is poor and under developed - by whose standards? Western. From a Western perspective we have decided what is developed and what is not. Whether it be flushing toilets, paved roads or groceries stores on every corner. Those standards of development were imposed by Western countries views. Who knows what Africa would have evolved into if other countries had just left it alone? The sad thing is that we will never know.

There are many areas of Africa that has remnants of their original culture peeking through the veil of BS western decadent devices and advancements such as the TV. An invention to represent a certain status, wealth and modern advancement. Community members walking around buried in their cell phones because the infectious disease of technology is spreading into every crack and corner of the world. It is sad.

People also forget that African countries gained their independence very recently. Come into a country and try to mold it to your ways and when it’s not working out abandon ship and leave the original inhabitants with the mess you’ve made and wonder why Africa is the “state” that it is in?

You say, “I am going to Africa?” Only to get responses like, “Why?” “Are you doing missionary work?” “Are you going with an NGO?” “Adopting a child?” “Isn’t that dangerous?”

Being here one of the biggest questions I’ve been getting from people in the community are, “Are you here to help us? Are you bringing money? Are you here to teach us?”

Of course they assume this. Because that is what their history reads and what their present of how they are being treated continues to reaffirm. That they are inferior in every way and need someone to come in from somewhere else to teach them how to live, a better way to be and to help them. A concept that has stemmed from the moment an outsider stepped foot on their continent and claimed it as their own.

It is going to take a lot of work to convince community members that may have never been asked what they think or how they feel or if they have any ideas worth sharing to shift their mind set from a poor victim who has nothing to offer to an empowered person of value with an abundance of knowledge.

My scholars keep talking about how worried they are that they aren’t going to create something sustainable with the community to leave behind. But I keep reminding them that every little thing that you do or don’t do matters. And just by us being here our presence has transformed and affected people. And if what we create isn’t sustainable who’s to say that won’t spark another idea, and another, and another until one finally sticks and works. That ripple was started by us. And that is the miracle. If we had to choose between leaving a sustainable product rather than a mind shift for the people in these communities from disempowered to empowered, I’d choose mind shift. That would be all that I can hope for. That would be a gift.

Independence Day

Thursday July 4th

Ironically I am celebrating the 4^th of July in South Africa this year. This is not the only time that I have celebrated America’s birthday in another country. On Semester at Sea we were docked in St. Petersburg. I had a few shots of Russian Vodka before getting on the ship to have a big American BBQ while floating next to the former Soviet Union. Another 4^th of July I spent while studying in Dublin, Ireland. I drank cider (or was it a pint of Guinness…) at a pub while eating Cheetos.

For the 4^th here I treated my scholars to lollipops from the local shop, some apples, fiber bars and these spicy hot Cheeto type treats that are deliciously addictive yet they stain your fingers for the entire day.

We went around the group and I asked, “What was something that they are truly grateful for living in the United States that they’ve been reminded of while living here?” I also asked, “What is something unique to living here that you really like and has helped you to realize what is really important in life?”

Ironically, what I was grateful for was my rights as a woman. Yes there is still discrimination and unequal treatment of women in the United States. I’m in no way saying that there aren’t issue as far as gender violence and inequality. Gender roles do still exist but it is far less than I see here. From what I’ve seen it is the main, normal expectation for women to cook and to clean. It is expected that they are the bearers and rearers of children. I am grateful that I grew up in a nation where even though I understood from a very young age that I would be treated differently at points because I was a woman, never did I realize until coming here the sheer vast amount of opportunities and support for women to follow their dreams as there is in the United States.

As far as the second question, it has made me realize the value of being present even more so and how important it is to allocate time and space for yourself as well as your friends and family. That the balance is what we should strive for. And that just because we are running around “busy” beyond belief doesn’t make us or our life be of more value than someone who takes their time to enjoy it. That life is to be lived, not mulled over. To savor each moment without looking at your watch or your cell phone for notifications. The peace and simplicity of moments and this lifestyle is something that I have found unique and beautiful.

At night our electricity went out. I had to use my headlamp to finish my nightly bedtime routine. It made me think of how I could only focus on the task I was doing because my headlamp only shone a certain amount of light.

That’s kind of how life is. You can only go by the light you have to see by. If you try to do too much at once, unfocused and scattered, you don’t get very far. And there’s something very relaxing and logical about only focusing on one thing at a time.