I Am Not My Hair

My hair has gotten so long. It’s almost an inch. It’s weird to think a little under a couple of months ago I was completely bald. Shaving my head was seriously one of the most empowering things that I’ve ever done.

I felt more beautiful than I had ever felt before. Vulnerable and exposed I felt like I couldn’t hide behind anything or pretend. I felt more self-expressed. Like my true self.

People responded to differently to me. Some just stared assuming I was either sick or that it was a sign of my sexual orientation. I felt like the energy I was giving off being bald was so raw and radiant. 

Almost as if I cutting off my hair took my guard down and extended a greeting to people to say ‘You are welcome to talk to me.’ Intrigued by the wondering of the story behind my nonexistent hair.

People kept asking me why I did it. And yeah I had reasons that encouraged me, ‘I will be easier to take care of while away since you’ll be bucket bathing,’ ‘It’s gonna be really hot there (even though I soon found out that it would be winter here.’ And part of me wanted to prove as the wonderful Indie Arie states so perfectly in her song that, “I Am Not My Hair.”

I feel like women, especially in America, attach so much meaning and worth to their hair. It’s all over the media, devices and advertisements telling you to cut it this way, straighten it, curl it, gel it, braid it, blah blah blah.. Like having long hair or what people consider “beautiful styled properly colored hair” is equated with how feminine and beautiful you are.

But to tell you the truth the main, main reason is because I wanted to. I honestly got to a point where I was wondering, “Who the hell am I waiting for to give me permission to do this?” The opportunity presented itself so I did it. It’s been wonderful. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. The plan is to let it grow out a little more and then make it into a mini Mohawk. We’ll see if I lose patience before then and shave it all off again….

This poem was written right after I shaved my head…

My Radiating Skull

I keep getting this warming

Burning

Glowing sensation in my head

As if by cutting off the hair I released a pocket of untapped into reserved energy

Where my thoughts are closer to the surface

Burning to emerge

So close I can feel them

Radiating

Reminding

Cooking and boiling

Underneath my scalp

Each nerve or pore or prickle of my head

Is awakened

As the wind zooms past

The wind in my hair is an expression I understand no longer

The wind on my skin is another story

Biting

Pricking

Piercing

Stroking

Feeling hot and cold flashes on my skull

Actually feeling sensations

Atop my head that was once num with hair

I don’t care

I feel more beautiful that I’ve ever felt in my whole life

Empowered

Futuristic

Fresh

Free

Reborn

I keep rubbing my head as if it’s a crystal ball or a genie lamp

That will grant me wishes or show me the future

Give me answers to my unanswered questions

But all that it reveals is

That this is

Perfect

I am perfect

Whole and complete

Enough

At peace

Something I always wanted to do

But I was waiting for someone to grant me permission

Once you realize the choice is yours

And yours alone

You can do anything